In the last issue of The Psychologist (the British version, for those of you looking online--the link is here, though you'll need a log in to view the full article), there was a great article on forgiveness in relationships. It basically looked at three factors that are involved in people finding it hard to forgive a partner after a transgression: first, relationship commitment (this would be the person's psychological attachment to their partner and tendency to view them with a long-term orientation, and an 'intention to persist'); second, destiny beliefs/attachment anxiety ('destiny beliefs' can also be called 'soulmate beliefs'--this is when someone believes a relationship either is or isn't meant to be, rather than believing such things take work and effort); and third and most fun--narcisstic entitlement.

As you might expect, a person who is more committed to a relationship is more likely to forgive a partner's transgressions. And if a person tends to believe strongly that some things are just meant to be, they are less likely to forgive (on the assumption that each transgression is predictive of the future). But what I find most compelling is this idea that there is a correlation between a person who struggles to forgive and their level of narcissism.

Because here's the thing--it isn't just in relationships. So you know all those people who are like, "I'm generally nice, but I hold a grudge forever if you fuck me over"? Yeah, what they mean to say is, "I'm a narcissitic beast and therefore, I will never forgive you".

Best quote from the piece:

Certain individuals are chronically unhappy (and their relationships function poorly) because they are plagued by a generally vengeful orientation in response to partner transgressions.

Best moment in the article:

The discussion on experimental manipulation in order to get the proper level of romantic commitment. I'm not even making that up. Experimental manipulation.

Lessons learned:

1. If you find it hard to forgive your partners, the problem might just be you, rather than that "dickhead".

2. Psychologists snicker at people who believe that some people are just "meant to be".

3. And most importantly: Do not listen to any of your psych friends when they ask if you've got a spare hour because they have something that will "totally be fun". Depending on which group you end up in, you're going to end up married or broken up and you'll have no idea why.

I frickin' love psychology.