I was reading this article in yesterday’s Metro paper about people custom ordering a kidnapping. For themselves. Like, instead of going paintballing to get that bit of thrill, they pay someone what I can only assume is a grotesque amount of money so that they might be thrown into the back of the van, beaten, tormented, and ‘rescued’. Or escape. However they want to end it.

Now, let me clarify: this isn’t a sexual thing. This is not a way for people to live out their subby or rapey fantasies. These are men and women who want to inject their personal lives with a bit of mayhem. Isn’t that…intriguing? I am dying to know who the average customer is. How about this—if I’m willing to admit not just that I have before engaged in a bit of rape fantasy speculation, but that I know how many of my female friends have, would you be willing to admit that not only do you understand the kidnapping desire, but that you engage in it yourself? Remembering that this is separate from a sexual thing, please explain to me the appeal.

They are quoted as saying that people have reported having taken more care with their appearance (including…um…wearing clean underwear) because they knew that they were being watched in preparation for this event, so that makes sense. It’s got to make you feel a bit more bouncy if you’re putting on your nice undies and thinking about someone looking at you. But…couldn’t you get that same feeling from dating? Or…taking up a new hobby?

I may very well just be too practical to be the right sort of customer for this service. All I can think about is ALL the people I would have to tell and then explain it over and over to. Like my boss. Fair enough if I take a week’s holiday and then make that my time frame for this kidnapping, but what if I want the full ripped-from-my-life experience? I’m going to guess I’m going to miss some work then. Do I call in kidnapped? Do my kidnappers make the call for me? If they do, how do they handle the whole, “no, no need to send us a ransom, she’s already paid up” thing? Who’s going to feed my dog? Can I pay my kidnappers to walk her a few times a day?

Gawd, can you imagine telling your family not to worry if you disappear for a few days, even if they see you yanked off the streets? That should go over nicely.

I’m all for the different things they can teach you afterwards—who wouldn’t want to get a little evasive action with ex-SAS guys?—but…I think I’m missing something here. Please ‘splain.