McBirdie,

I have been with my partner for 3 years, and he recently proposed. The thing is, for those 3 (sexually active) years I have, quite a lot of the time, faked orgasms. The only way I can seem to orgasm is if my clit is rubbing against him, like on top or sitting on him.

I also cannot let him take me from behind because it just won’t go in? It kinda hurts me when we try different positions and I fake orgasms most of the time. I always tell him that it was great, I would never want to hurt him. I’m just not sure why it hurts so much or why it simply wont go in- It only seems to go in when I’m on top? I really want to be able to try different positions and be able to orgasm-and not fake!?  Help please!

Faking

Dear Faking,

I once had a boyfriend I faked my orgasms with.  The problem with doing that is that, even though it keeps things easy in the short-term, you’re then stuck with unsatisfying sex and no way to change what you’re getting without admitting that you have–let’s be honest about what we’re doing when we fake–been lying to your partner.

First and foremost…stop faking your orgasms.  No buts.  No “just a couple more times”.  No “I will, unless he tried really hard and I think he’ll feel bad”.  Just stop.  Start communicating.  Does your partner know that you need clitoral stimulation to orgasm?  No?  Then tell him.  Not being able to come from penetration alone puts you in a teeny tiny little group of only about 70% of all women.  There is no shame in it and most men are aware that women need a bit extra.

And the beauty of this is that it doesn’t mean you won’t have ever have an orgasm in missionary or other positions that leave the clit lonely–there are plenty of things you can do.  Slide your hand down–or have your partner do the same–and stimulate yourself while he’s on top of you.  Or behind you, which leaves your hands completely free if you drop your shoulders onto the bed.  Try a vibrating cock ring…those little guys are like magic.

As to painful or just-not-happening penetration:  Unless your partner is extraordinarily large or you are extraordinarily small (which it doesn’t sound like, since other positions are possible for you), then you can pretty much do anything with a bit of lube and a ton of relaxation.  If as soon as you get on all fours you think, “shit–this isn’t going to work and it’s going to hurt”, your vaginal muscles will clench up and you will be shut down like Fort Knox.

This is where communicating with your partner comes in.  You need to talk to him about your desire to make these positions work (I’m sure he’ll be right…um…behind you with that desire), so that the next time you go to bed, you don’t just try once and give up.  Get into position, let him massage you and touch you gently while you relax.  Apply lube.  Apply more lube.  Move slowly and gently.  When it happens–and it will–just keep doing what you’re doing.  The next time will be even easier because you’ll have the confidence that it will work.

Best of luck,

McBirdie

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